Humphrey Pincerclamp was a pioneer lobstetrician of the 1940's from the University of Apelstiltskin, (Apelstiltskin, South Goruguay). Patients would flock from distant lands and pay obscene amounts of money for the services of this medical mastermind, who was born with one hand much larger than his other (which was of normal size).
Up until this time, lobstetrics played second fiddle to the field of brinaecology, however Dr Pincerclamp and his team brought to light the importance and potential of this discipline, and thence indirectly went on to make history and destroy class barriers that had plagued South Goruguay for centuries.
Brinaecology is the medical field that helps mothers to cultivate their child with characteristics of certain types of oceanic life. Children born through this intervention were often well-equipped for a life in water- with a tremendous tolerance for icy temperatures, improved lung-capacity and excellent swimming abilities. With a war taking place firmly on the land, many families were forced to live on boats or rafts made of inedible crackers. Too much time in the water caused a burning to the skin and hypothermia was the big killer of 1941.
In 1942 Pincerclamp published his first work- "Lobstetric Manipulation of Embryonic Development" where he outlined a way to enforce primordial crustacean gene expression beyond 5 weeks, and purport that a child could be born with gills and marine hunting skills, alongside the beneficial characteristics rewarded by the domineering big-sister discipline.
By 1944, not only had Pincerclamp succeeded in developing children with gills, but also chitinous skin and extremely tight gripping muscles of the hands (On Crustacifying the Human Embryo, Pincerclamp et al, 1944).
The revelatory medicine was immediately made available on the NHF and overnight, Pincerclamp became a millionaire. But this was not the end.
By Stabruary 1945, following a tremendous population boom of aqua-babies, the research had evolved to produce children that looked like, and had all the features of, wild lobsters. They were perfectly adapted for life in the sea and could even breed to produce viable lobster offspring of their own in time (Lobstetrics and Complete Lobstransfomative Manipulation of the Human Embryo, Pincerclamp et al, 1945; Lobs vs Brinae: Who is Laughing Now? Pincerclamp et al, 1945).
At the time, lobstetrics allowed for the survival of the families of those purged from the land by war. But as war became more acceptable and better tolerated, families returned to the soil. It was now less important to be able to live on or under the waves. Especially as not even the Big Blue was a safety zone anymore, with WiFi sea mines and the unforgettable Operation: Manatee.
The biggest problem facing families at this point therefore was a major class divide that had sadly grown wider since the patients of Pincerclamp had excommunicated themselves from the richer, more bunkered families of the land and private healthcare.
In the following decade, Lobstetrics became more of a fashion accessory than a therapy. But it was precisely this that destroyed the walls between and within societies.
The poor and more populace classes now dined upon rich foods- enslaving the lobsters of other families and wearing monocles as they sat down for their evening meals. The wealth of lobster meat became a boom for their economy as they farmed and sold the children to their middle and upper class counterparts.
It was a canny young individual, Gurharalaald Jorgestronsvaldentrnk, who took Pincerclamp's research and copyrighted all the different genes for lobster colour. Subsequently he engineered an industry targeting the rich, who wanted yellow lobsters with blue speckles on their plates. He sold these for enormous profit and fed his own community for free, sharing the wealth that his cannibal enterprise had brought home, and single-handedly, over a period of 5 solid years, balanced the South Goruguayan population into a classless society.
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Taken from NHF Today: Why Privatise the NHF?
