First of all shhhh!
I am in hiding with Edmund. I succeeded in getting him out of the gas in the dead of night. But I must be critical- what kind of prison was that? It was so clean that I ate my dinner off the floor- including an after-serving of apple pie and cream. The toilets weren't even blocked. I remembered that mine is, back at home, so I took a couple. Headmund said I should just take one, but I said what if I break one on the way home..? I'm not coming back am I? Also that he's not in charge and should do as I say. So he carried them both- a toilet on each hand. Every time he whined about it I pressed the flushers and reminded him that there will be no sweeties from the shop later if he carries on.. and that something in my belly was calling out to escape..
He was quite easily subdued in this way and we have been undetectable by the fairly fistulent FPD (Fistanbul Police Department).
But enough.. tonight and afterwards are a tale to tell once they have tranpretriforced. The tale of our journey to this point here are for now.
It was dark and smoggy in Fistabul. The moon was vibrating in the putrified city air like a biscuit atop a washing machine. I snuck up to the guards patrolling the walls at Fistabul Prison and casually conversed "inspect the vibrating biscuit moon.." and they were instantly entranced.
I slid past them with a whisper of "suckers" and followed my map to Headmund's cell- taken from the GU official binternet site in fact.
A quick kick with my magical equitic hooves and Edmund was no longer stuck in his polished penthouse of a cell.
I searched the miniature house and found him sleeping in an upstairs chamber.
I prised him out of the four-poster bed and down his spiral staircase. I earlier told of the toilet adventure, which I shall omit on this occasion.
But on the fire exit doorway, stood ten LARGE prison guards, all armed to the teeth with chicken bones.. and one had a large revolver or something also.
We managed to avoid the bone rain that lashed down upon us as the prison cell was taken apart by the avian onslaught. Mirrors shattered and oil paintings shredded. Sofas smashed to pieces and chez longues splintered.
"Ol' Toilet Hands" deflected a few shards of bone back at the guards with his gold-plated porcelain fists. But they closed in further and further.
We came in close range of the gun-man who opened fire. He hit me on the foot and chipped a hoof! His second shot tore through my ear. Edmund later assured me that its nothing his volcanic practice can't heal.
The third shot richochetted off a jewel-encrusted brass door handle.
The fourth shot was empty.
The fifth shot hit a shard of chicken bone, bouncing back towards the guard. Bullet-proof bones..
I then realised that Headmund has at times been a chicken. So I launched him down the mahogany bannister where he was met with three bullets. All deflected in a triad of genius to the assailants. As they cowered in fear, the bullets sprayed further among them until all the brave guards were slain by their own machismo. The remaining poultry strutted towards us clucking ferociously but did not intend to greet the tumbler, tea-cup and beaker that we had acquired from the rather pleasant little kitchen and its most delightfully crafted cupboards.
We fled through the glass patio doors into the rear garden and were almost home free.
I could see the guards who first met me at the entrance and we could so easily have snuck past their hypnotised moon-staring gaze. But I could not resist. They must be mocked.
I was about to break into the most brilliant of detrimentalae when Headmund piped up "Its quite dark out here isn't it?" This burst of reality awoke me from me predatorial foolhardiness and I threw stones at him in disgust at his disruption of my life's greatest moment.
Regardless I did not allow him to leak and we successfully glided past the entrance guards unnoticed. When out of immediate danger, I stacked Headmund, the ungrateful one and reminded him of the Pungent Gas Cloud of Goruguay. Having ridiculed him to my satisfaction we hid in a school in western Fistanbul, from where I write you the story.
Tomorrow I can either return Headmund to prison and claim enough reward money to finance the rest of the GORE album, or prepare for our Deicide show overseas on friday with the Doc.
Hmmmmm.
Monday, November 29, 2004
Sunday, November 28, 2004
Edmund.. Break FREE!
What a stab in the face..
Our good friend Edmund Headmund was arrested AND tried yesterday, for playing truant, of all things. Thats just ridiculous.. he doesn't have to go to school- he's a doctor of pyropractic surgery! He has a degree! The court says its because he is a G.U. citizen and only four years old.
What a load of gas. So he lost the case and has been imprisoned for a couple of days, and got a lot more days detention..
Ridiculous, its not like he's going to go to school when he gets out is it? He has his own chain of pyropractic volcano surgeries.
This is quite a major blow with our Deicide gig only five days away!
So we're going to do a good old fashioned jail break.
So if I don't write again soon, its probably because I'm in prison as well!
Our good friend Edmund Headmund was arrested AND tried yesterday, for playing truant, of all things. Thats just ridiculous.. he doesn't have to go to school- he's a doctor of pyropractic surgery! He has a degree! The court says its because he is a G.U. citizen and only four years old.
What a load of gas. So he lost the case and has been imprisoned for a couple of days, and got a lot more days detention..
Ridiculous, its not like he's going to go to school when he gets out is it? He has his own chain of pyropractic volcano surgeries.
This is quite a major blow with our Deicide gig only five days away!
So we're going to do a good old fashioned jail break.
So if I don't write again soon, its probably because I'm in prison as well!
Monday, November 22, 2004
A Criminal Career?
So was I right about the Gorwegian embargo reasoning?
Apparently I was pretty much spot on. Although the official reason seems to be hidden from the public eye. I'm sure I can get some more information when my Splatternity leave from the GU House of Gore-ds is over in a few days.
Anyway, this could be a way out for me and the glue factory. I've sniffed around here for too long. I secretly hope that the embargo goes on for a very very long time as my colleague in GORE, Mister Glenfren Asomvel knows a few of the more sneaky Pirates of the eastern Goruguayan coast. A couple of them are willing to smuggle in a few of the more popular breakfast cereals such as Fist Flakes and Choco Bone Snaps for a reasonable price.
But rather than take their offer on board, we may as well take the Rack of Ribs Ocean Destroyer out for a spin with its owner Captain Hand, steal all the cereal in Gorway and sail back over here. Then we can operate special underground stores and make a fortune as we jack up the price to extortionate values. Plus we get to wage war with a few pirates along the way, and possibly stab a few elderly Gorwegians.
Well, we'll see how things go on the embargo front for a while. I get a bit sea sick you see.
Apparently I was pretty much spot on. Although the official reason seems to be hidden from the public eye. I'm sure I can get some more information when my Splatternity leave from the GU House of Gore-ds is over in a few days.
Anyway, this could be a way out for me and the glue factory. I've sniffed around here for too long. I secretly hope that the embargo goes on for a very very long time as my colleague in GORE, Mister Glenfren Asomvel knows a few of the more sneaky Pirates of the eastern Goruguayan coast. A couple of them are willing to smuggle in a few of the more popular breakfast cereals such as Fist Flakes and Choco Bone Snaps for a reasonable price.
But rather than take their offer on board, we may as well take the Rack of Ribs Ocean Destroyer out for a spin with its owner Captain Hand, steal all the cereal in Gorway and sail back over here. Then we can operate special underground stores and make a fortune as we jack up the price to extortionate values. Plus we get to wage war with a few pirates along the way, and possibly stab a few elderly Gorwegians.
Well, we'll see how things go on the embargo front for a while. I get a bit sea sick you see.
Saturday, November 20, 2004
Gorwegian Embargo
I picked up the paper today to discover that North Goruguay and colonial South Goruguay will no longer be trading with Gorway of the East.
This is quite a bitter blow to me as I really do enjoy their rice.
Goruguay generally is fairly abysmal for rice and all cereals. They tend to not like growing on our soils. Gorway was the best thing though. The ultra-sub-tropical temperatures and magic bacteria were symbiotic with the cereal grains of the East for a taste that can't be beat.
I'm not entirely sure as to why this embargo has been put in place.
As an Embassador of North Goruguay I should actually know.. what an excellent rulership we have over here no?
I can only guess however. And this is my conclusion for the time being. Last year after the war between King Kongles Island and South Goruguay, Gorway was ingested by the gigantic fatman.
Gorway was eventually heralded as the cause of death of Kongles, who incidentally was an ally of North Goruguay against their Southern nemeses.
Gorway caused a gut blockage that not only starved Kongles, but also caused a build up of toxic waste in his alimentary canal. The waste eventually calcified, but the fatman was sufficiently poisoned to weaken his bodily defences against the disruption of Gorway. Gorway pushed its way out the closest available hole and Kongles slowly and painfully died of rectal bleeding.
Gorway went on to flourish with rice and cereal production thanks to the rare biles and acids in Kongles' belly. Until this morning the nation was responsible for a huge monopoly on high street breakfast snacks throughout the whole continent of Goruguay.
Kongles decomposed off the South East coast of mainland Goruguay to form Carcossia- the Carcass Islands. These are a collective that do not seem to abide by any such rules.
Each island is constantly under attack from other islands and it is rumoured that the Shrew of Menace- War Criminal President of King Kongles Island has sought refuge here. He is heavily wanted for punishment for losing King Kongles Island- a floating landmass that was planned to be a key feature in North Goruguay's European take-over bid. Lottery funded cannon turretry was one of the island's greatest arsenelic benefits.
For several months King Fist-Fetch of North Goruguay has pressed Carrie O'Bag- Prime Minister of Gorway to accept responsibility for the non-capture of the rodent leader. However O'Bag has never accepted such charges and blames both nations of mainland Goruguay as Gorway was forced into war, whereas the others all chose to join.
This anti-violence attitude has irritated most of Goruguay. It has been said that most Gorwegians are old people just waiting to die, or foreign tourists. The youth have illegally deflected their citizenship to one of the other Goruguayan nations.
And last week, to add further fuel to the Gorwegian funeral longboat, A special message was broadcast on Fonz Jazeerah TV featuring a glove puppet portrayed to be the Shrew eating a pink cream cake with the North Goruguay in black icing across the top.
And so, in conclusion, besides cereal production and holiday destinations, Gorway has practically no other revenue. And as World Powers collide, and embarrassment is met in North Goruguay, Gorway is taking the flack while the Shrew laughs.
I'll check the internet for other stories and see how wrong I am. So check my next journal entry.
This is quite a bitter blow to me as I really do enjoy their rice.
Goruguay generally is fairly abysmal for rice and all cereals. They tend to not like growing on our soils. Gorway was the best thing though. The ultra-sub-tropical temperatures and magic bacteria were symbiotic with the cereal grains of the East for a taste that can't be beat.
I'm not entirely sure as to why this embargo has been put in place.
As an Embassador of North Goruguay I should actually know.. what an excellent rulership we have over here no?
I can only guess however. And this is my conclusion for the time being. Last year after the war between King Kongles Island and South Goruguay, Gorway was ingested by the gigantic fatman.
Gorway was eventually heralded as the cause of death of Kongles, who incidentally was an ally of North Goruguay against their Southern nemeses.
Gorway caused a gut blockage that not only starved Kongles, but also caused a build up of toxic waste in his alimentary canal. The waste eventually calcified, but the fatman was sufficiently poisoned to weaken his bodily defences against the disruption of Gorway. Gorway pushed its way out the closest available hole and Kongles slowly and painfully died of rectal bleeding.
Gorway went on to flourish with rice and cereal production thanks to the rare biles and acids in Kongles' belly. Until this morning the nation was responsible for a huge monopoly on high street breakfast snacks throughout the whole continent of Goruguay.
Kongles decomposed off the South East coast of mainland Goruguay to form Carcossia- the Carcass Islands. These are a collective that do not seem to abide by any such rules.
Each island is constantly under attack from other islands and it is rumoured that the Shrew of Menace- War Criminal President of King Kongles Island has sought refuge here. He is heavily wanted for punishment for losing King Kongles Island- a floating landmass that was planned to be a key feature in North Goruguay's European take-over bid. Lottery funded cannon turretry was one of the island's greatest arsenelic benefits.
For several months King Fist-Fetch of North Goruguay has pressed Carrie O'Bag- Prime Minister of Gorway to accept responsibility for the non-capture of the rodent leader. However O'Bag has never accepted such charges and blames both nations of mainland Goruguay as Gorway was forced into war, whereas the others all chose to join.
This anti-violence attitude has irritated most of Goruguay. It has been said that most Gorwegians are old people just waiting to die, or foreign tourists. The youth have illegally deflected their citizenship to one of the other Goruguayan nations.
And last week, to add further fuel to the Gorwegian funeral longboat, A special message was broadcast on Fonz Jazeerah TV featuring a glove puppet portrayed to be the Shrew eating a pink cream cake with the North Goruguay in black icing across the top.
And so, in conclusion, besides cereal production and holiday destinations, Gorway has practically no other revenue. And as World Powers collide, and embarrassment is met in North Goruguay, Gorway is taking the flack while the Shrew laughs.
I'll check the internet for other stories and see how wrong I am. So check my next journal entry.
Bionic Hoofal Breakdown
What a shaftbreakular day for the Horse of Horror.
It all began as usual these days, with a poor night of micro-snoozes. I may have to write a complaint to the housing office regarding new tenant Dinohorse. She sings and plays her tribal music far far too loud at night!
I'll plot a little veangeance against her for the future. Not just yet however as we're expecting good things any day now from Mini Goruguay and I'm not to distract her from her meditative techniques.
But I shall not forget these glorious days Dinohorse..
Having risen late in the morn, I missed my breakfast, put on the first two pairs of shoes that I could find and gallopped out to work at Sticky Stallion Adhesive Logistics.
I left my security pass in my nosebag at the stables.. gah!
But Binfisher Benjamin let me in when I clopped on the window for a while. I claimed I was doing it for much longer than I actually was.. so it looked like I wasn't so late. Have to set a good example to the less competent employees after all.
Work was the usual drag, reducing my days to mere skeletons of their former selves. I got so bored of gutting criminal horses and melting their fat into glue. Even their raw taste was starting to wane. In fact I realised that I was getting pretty bad at my work.. Time for a holiday?
I asked what the others had booked for theirs and we're too low staffed for me to just bolt and leave for relaxant destinations.. especially after the Slay-Offs I made last month- that was such an excellent and stabtacular time! But I'm paying the price now.
Instead I made a snake out of a large envelope and named him Nigel Velope. He got coloured in green and pink with TipEx fangs.
He is awful and I am ashamed. A paper snake. What is that good for? It can't even scare anybody. So I filled it with shit and sent it to Asomvel.
The day dragged and gnarled itself against time's wooden, splintered floor.
But closing time came and away I went. Then it all went wrong.
I should have checked my horse shoes before heading out this morning.
My bionic front pair broke down and set alight. Thunderous hooves I may have, but thats just a metaphor right?So my small equine feet got a torching so heated that Dr Headmund would've charged serious Goros for such a treatment!
After treading in the glorious autumnal snow, the coolant created such a steam...
Unluckily for me I was stood beneath a windmill, which took note of the heavy rising hot water.
The fans began to turn.. faster and stabbier.. I lost my remaining shoes.
I was lifted from the floor and flung to South Goruguay..!
Putrid country. Home of the tyrant Gore Don. A good friend. Doesn't understand Northern humour though.. Maybe thats why the war really started? We both love a good fight though.
Anyway I'm not especially welcome in the southern states so I had to call for recovery.
I stood hoofless for 77minutes before the Goretomobile Association retrieved me.. So glad I picked up a membership at that service station in Port Pie last year.
And with another sleepless night ahead I close tonight's entry, shoeless, hungry and cold.. without a single slay.
Bless the Dinohorse. You are the only reason I haven't sold that fistulent business of mine.
But life is good. Her music is loud.. but pretty rhythmic and catchy. I find myself singing along as I type..
It all began as usual these days, with a poor night of micro-snoozes. I may have to write a complaint to the housing office regarding new tenant Dinohorse. She sings and plays her tribal music far far too loud at night!
I'll plot a little veangeance against her for the future. Not just yet however as we're expecting good things any day now from Mini Goruguay and I'm not to distract her from her meditative techniques.
But I shall not forget these glorious days Dinohorse..
Having risen late in the morn, I missed my breakfast, put on the first two pairs of shoes that I could find and gallopped out to work at Sticky Stallion Adhesive Logistics.
I left my security pass in my nosebag at the stables.. gah!
But Binfisher Benjamin let me in when I clopped on the window for a while. I claimed I was doing it for much longer than I actually was.. so it looked like I wasn't so late. Have to set a good example to the less competent employees after all.
Work was the usual drag, reducing my days to mere skeletons of their former selves. I got so bored of gutting criminal horses and melting their fat into glue. Even their raw taste was starting to wane. In fact I realised that I was getting pretty bad at my work.. Time for a holiday?
I asked what the others had booked for theirs and we're too low staffed for me to just bolt and leave for relaxant destinations.. especially after the Slay-Offs I made last month- that was such an excellent and stabtacular time! But I'm paying the price now.
Instead I made a snake out of a large envelope and named him Nigel Velope. He got coloured in green and pink with TipEx fangs.
He is awful and I am ashamed. A paper snake. What is that good for? It can't even scare anybody. So I filled it with shit and sent it to Asomvel.
The day dragged and gnarled itself against time's wooden, splintered floor.
But closing time came and away I went. Then it all went wrong.
I should have checked my horse shoes before heading out this morning.
My bionic front pair broke down and set alight. Thunderous hooves I may have, but thats just a metaphor right?So my small equine feet got a torching so heated that Dr Headmund would've charged serious Goros for such a treatment!
After treading in the glorious autumnal snow, the coolant created such a steam...
Unluckily for me I was stood beneath a windmill, which took note of the heavy rising hot water.
The fans began to turn.. faster and stabbier.. I lost my remaining shoes.
I was lifted from the floor and flung to South Goruguay..!
Putrid country. Home of the tyrant Gore Don. A good friend. Doesn't understand Northern humour though.. Maybe thats why the war really started? We both love a good fight though.
Anyway I'm not especially welcome in the southern states so I had to call for recovery.
I stood hoofless for 77minutes before the Goretomobile Association retrieved me.. So glad I picked up a membership at that service station in Port Pie last year.
And with another sleepless night ahead I close tonight's entry, shoeless, hungry and cold.. without a single slay.
Bless the Dinohorse. You are the only reason I haven't sold that fistulent business of mine.
But life is good. Her music is loud.. but pretty rhythmic and catchy. I find myself singing along as I type..
Friday, November 19, 2004
Snow in Goruguay
The first frost and snow in Goruguay is a cause for celebration! Seeing as I'm a Winterblaster by stage trade this is a most pleasurable occasion. The decline in temperature.. the cars sliding into each other.. the frozen lakes.. ice fishing! Its a great time of year.
Fishmas is coming. A white Fishmas do you reckon?
Here is my fishlist for Fishmas:
Plaice
Golden Trout
Pirranha
Clown Fish
Barracuda
Mackerel (3ft)
I know I wish for the same fish every year, but I've been particularly stabtacular this year. I hope some of the GORE fans will sling some my way at the upcoming shows. How cool would it be to get a pirranha??
The legendary laziness of my personality has crept through. I haven't taken a pitchfork to the dung and stable debris yet. Tanyatta Mahatta has actually added to the maelstrom as well.
Corpulence to it all. Glenfren was nice enough to send us all Power Pegs, so I'll put those on and order a take away dinner.
Hail Goruguay
Fishmas is coming. A white Fishmas do you reckon?
Here is my fishlist for Fishmas:
Plaice
Golden Trout
Pirranha
Clown Fish
Barracuda
Mackerel (3ft)
I know I wish for the same fish every year, but I've been particularly stabtacular this year. I hope some of the GORE fans will sling some my way at the upcoming shows. How cool would it be to get a pirranha??
The legendary laziness of my personality has crept through. I haven't taken a pitchfork to the dung and stable debris yet. Tanyatta Mahatta has actually added to the maelstrom as well.
Corpulence to it all. Glenfren was nice enough to send us all Power Pegs, so I'll put those on and order a take away dinner.
Hail Goruguay
Thursday, November 18, 2004
Registration Time at the Zoo
Today I, Gorehorse Jefferson Splatterhouse of North Goruguay took life's greatest invention to be branded and barcoded at the local beurocracy. And so Dinohorse Killstab Splatterhouse has been registered and now will be able to get her North Goruguayan Passport when I get round to things. Back at the stables, times are tough.
The introduction of Dinohorse to the paddocks has caused a major distraction to other business tasks such as stabbing and slicing. However I am confident that along with my trainer Deenasaur, I shall be back on the stage with my enhanced hooves and sharpened mane, and of course Dinohorse will make her first kill, and ultimately join me for a Royal life of Goruguayan heritage.
Stablemate Tanyatta Mahatta is also clearly losing her mind and needs to get her sea legs back as soon as inhumanly possible. With good fortune my good friend, Captain of the Rack of Ribs Ocean Destroyer, Famous Captain Hand, shall be in town again soon. If his boat is in his trailer then I hope to go on a bruising cruise with Tanyatta. I shall of course bring Deenasaur and Dinohorse for a bonding session.
Oh Dinohorse, when will you even draw blood from anyone?!
How much I hope that you won't let down your creators..
The laboratory engineers will be taking notes.. well those that survived that infectious outbreak of Ebola a couple of months ago. Those two remaining scientists.. tough tough Goruguayans.. definitely not from Gorway.. however, they're on my "list" for sure. How can they call Dinohorse "summoner of milk"? Although she can pump a breast up several cup sizes with her banshee-like roar!
You see even if Dinohorse never manages to make a slay, I shall still be proud of the ultimate monster. After all, who doesn't like larger than average mammaries? Gay people perhaps.
Maybe the rumours of Dr Edmund Headmund are true.. he hasn't been down to the stables since Dinohorse moved in.. Hmmm.. I suppose he can choose his path however he wants but I shall make a general note of mocking him for being different.
Speaking of Edmund (Gives) Headmund, he sent a carrier pigeon to me this afternoon expressing concern at the Deicide prospect coming on Dismember 3rd in Bradford. Ticket sales be low? What can I do though? These haybales won't stack them selves, and there has to be food in the troughs every morning noon and night. Its difficult to get out of here.. although obviously I gallopped out this afternoon for Dinohorse acknowledgement.. and I haven't lifted a hoof since I got back.. so tired and vomit stained. Theres a big pile of horse manure in the corner.. its all very well for the farmers and selling it to terrorists and gardeners, but if I don't get it loaded into barrels soon it will decompose my house, and Stabby Stabby Stables will be no more.
Bah.
The introduction of Dinohorse to the paddocks has caused a major distraction to other business tasks such as stabbing and slicing. However I am confident that along with my trainer Deenasaur, I shall be back on the stage with my enhanced hooves and sharpened mane, and of course Dinohorse will make her first kill, and ultimately join me for a Royal life of Goruguayan heritage.
Stablemate Tanyatta Mahatta is also clearly losing her mind and needs to get her sea legs back as soon as inhumanly possible. With good fortune my good friend, Captain of the Rack of Ribs Ocean Destroyer, Famous Captain Hand, shall be in town again soon. If his boat is in his trailer then I hope to go on a bruising cruise with Tanyatta. I shall of course bring Deenasaur and Dinohorse for a bonding session.
Oh Dinohorse, when will you even draw blood from anyone?!
How much I hope that you won't let down your creators..
The laboratory engineers will be taking notes.. well those that survived that infectious outbreak of Ebola a couple of months ago. Those two remaining scientists.. tough tough Goruguayans.. definitely not from Gorway.. however, they're on my "list" for sure. How can they call Dinohorse "summoner of milk"? Although she can pump a breast up several cup sizes with her banshee-like roar!
You see even if Dinohorse never manages to make a slay, I shall still be proud of the ultimate monster. After all, who doesn't like larger than average mammaries? Gay people perhaps.
Maybe the rumours of Dr Edmund Headmund are true.. he hasn't been down to the stables since Dinohorse moved in.. Hmmm.. I suppose he can choose his path however he wants but I shall make a general note of mocking him for being different.
Speaking of Edmund (Gives) Headmund, he sent a carrier pigeon to me this afternoon expressing concern at the Deicide prospect coming on Dismember 3rd in Bradford. Ticket sales be low? What can I do though? These haybales won't stack them selves, and there has to be food in the troughs every morning noon and night. Its difficult to get out of here.. although obviously I gallopped out this afternoon for Dinohorse acknowledgement.. and I haven't lifted a hoof since I got back.. so tired and vomit stained. Theres a big pile of horse manure in the corner.. its all very well for the farmers and selling it to terrorists and gardeners, but if I don't get it loaded into barrels soon it will decompose my house, and Stabby Stabby Stables will be no more.
Bah.
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